a non-epiphany

Today I agreed to a phone interview with Fidelity Investments. Admittedly, not a dream job... but a job... and that's better luck than I've been having.

So the conundrum. I visited OU hoping for an epiphany. None came. I applied for jobs, hoping for "the one" to come through, all epiphany-like. Nothing.

I don't think it's strictly related to the bipolar- I think all of us, at some point or another, hope that fate will deal us a hand and keep us from having to make the decision ourselves. But I think Ms. Fate sometimes holds her hand close to her vest, and lets us make the first play.

However, I think that the bipolars of the world are more afraid than others to take the first step. Something about the future-living sense (as opposed to living in the present) clings to the bipolar soul- what if? resounds in the brain. But when you sit back and reflect- it shouldn't be so much what if, but so what? I go to OU and hate it- so what? I leave. I take the job with Fidelity and hate it- so what? I leave. The existence of alternatives is somehow beyond my grasp. The idea that if this doesn't go so well- I can always change it. The ironic thing is that I constantly give that advice... live in the moment. But the paralysis of fear is ever-present. And then the resulting stress from NOT making a decision worsens the fear. It's one big cycle of non-epiphanies chased by fear.

So the decision to act. I'm sure I'll make it. It's not like I don't have an awesome support system of friends and family. And I can always leave.