so here's the thing

It's not like I want to be alone or single or whatever my whole life. It's not the plan. It would be great for someone to be willing to take this all on. But- and it's a big but- even bigger than my own- I don't EXPECT that of anyone. And again... not a request for pity... because I've had plenty of that, and it doesn't help anyway. I'm not looking for someone to feel sorry for me, because that's not what this is about. I just know that I'm a lot to take on. And I don't expect anyone to get on this ride for the duration... it's likely to make you sick. But if you're a daredevil and it seems like a good idea... I might get someone to stick around.

I'm not going to ask anyone to stay because they think they should. Or out of guilt. That doesn't do anyone any favors. Dude was just like... "I don't want to feel like I hurt you or made you feel worse." Well, dear, if you're looking for a get out of jail free card, you're not going to get it here. While I'm not going to languish on my sofa for you, I'm not going to say that you're the greatest thing ever and you have done no wrong in the world either. I don't hold it against you- I'll be fine... but to absolve you of responsibility is not doing either of us any favors. I don't begrudge the guys that dump me... any more than I would want them to begrudge me if I dumped them. They are good people and so am I. But I realize that it will be a strong and rare person that will take on a roller coaster that puts the Vortex and the Flight of Fear (you go ahead and check out www.pki.com for all that- I don't have the time or patience to put in hyperlinks) to shame. It's okay. I don't think less of you because you can't make the minimum requirements... very few can. It would be like saying... "wow, you can't hold your breath for 7 minutes?" It's not like everyone can do it.

I feel weird when I write these... like, if I'm not writing them for your pity, why am I writing them? It's just to get the word out... people kind of understand a little bit about cancer and AIDS... they understand what's going on in the cells. But this is a whole different matter... I'm not so much trying to get you to understand me as a person, but the whole shebang that is in bipolar... it's weird, because even I am hesitant to put a name on it... even when I'm living with it, I have a certain degree of skepticism... but it's the only reason I can put to why I have to take the medicine and why I'm not like other people... it's a double-edged sword, I kid you not... it's got its good points. I feel like I see the world through a lens that most people can't even fathom... not a rose-colored one... but kind of when you're stoned and you feel like you're able to view your conversation from an entirely different perspective... like you're watching the conversation and have an entirely objective viewpoint of everything that is said. You can even view yourself objectively and see your own errors and faults- which is humans' least favorite thing to do.

So, you can only babble on for so long before you long for the comfort of bed and a David Sedaris book and some Xanax... so I bid you farewell, wish you sweet dreams, and a little ray of hope from a dark place.